Girlfriend
by impossiblyrandom
Summary: Helga uses her resources to pry Arnold and Lila apart.


******NEW**** I have created a sequel called Mad Dash if anyone is interested**

This is my first ever uploaded story. Let me know what you think. I own nothing, though I did slightly alter the lyric to Avril Lavigne's 'Girlfriend' to make it "school appropriate".

* * *

'_End of the Year Talent Show: Friday, 5/20 1:30pm, Sign up outside the auditorium during all lunch periods.'_

Helga glanced at the neon orange sign with a grimace. Of course they were going to make _everybody_ attend some silly talent show. Most of the participants wouldn't even be all that talented. And she was going to have to sit through it. Unless she was involved in it. Then she could chill backstage with the theatre techies. Perhaps they hadn't chosen a stage manager yet.

With that thought, Helga dashed off to Ms. Bailey's room to find out what the theatre director knew about this fiasco.

"Ms. B! Have you heard about the talent show next month?" A startled youngish woman with frizzy red hair looked up to see one of her favorite pupils dash through the doorway.

"Why Helga, you gave me a fright. Of course I've heard about the talent show. If it is happening on my stage, I always know. In fact, they've asked me to supply people to assist."

"Good, that was just what I was hoping for. Do you think I could be the stage manager for the show? Assuming you haven't already picked one, that is." Helga put on her best pleading face and clasped her hands together.

Whether it was because Helga was her favorite, or she was touched by the begging, Ms. Bailey smiled and nodded her head. "Of course Helga, but only under one condition. Because Mrs. Muncy is concerned about the amount of participants, among other things, she has put a stipulation on my volunteers. If you want to hide out behind the curtains, you have to perform one act. No exceptions."

Helga's face fell. Why did that annoying principal have to do this to her? It was probably because most of the people with actual talent were involved in the theatre department in one way or another and if they all volunteered to help behind the curtains, it would be miserable to sit in front of the stage.

Helga sighed, "Well, if that's the price I must pay, I guess I'll do it. But that also means I get to order the shows however I choose."

Ms. Bailey knew that Helga was the best stage manager she had, so it wasn't a hard decision to allow her creative reign on the show. Or as much reign as you could have over other people's talent.

"Done."

* * *

Helga hummed a tune while she readied her clip board for talent show auditions. Sure pretty much everyone who tried out could participate, but they had to have their act chosen by today in order to get a spot. This way they could weed out any vulgar or obscene acts. Crew members were not required to audition. The fact that they were even performing was not broadcasted. They knew the rules on what was and was not appropriate, and if they did not follow them they would be in serious trouble with Ms. B. She knew all of them quite well and she could severely injure their futures if necessary.

"Ok, ok, pipe down people. I assume all of you are here to audition for the talent show. Before we begin there are a few rules you will need to abide by." Helga glared at the crowd, waiting for them to all shut their mouths. "First off, there will be absolutely no crude, lewd, or inappropriate acts. That is what this audition is for. Second, if you make any major changes to your act, you must clear them with either me or Ms. Bailey. Otherwise, you will be pulled off the stage immediately and severely punished. Last thing, you're act cannot be excessively long. If you are unsure if your act meets this requirement, show it to me and I will tell you. Any questions?"

Helga glanced around. Because of Helga's reputation among the students (scary mean with an iron fist, though quite fair) and her intimidating appearance (lots of black with hot pink accents, not a common look in this school), not a single hand was raised. "Good, let's begin."

Auditions lasted for almost two hours. By the time they were finished, Helga was exhausted. Luckily there were only a few acts that would not be allowed to perform as is, and a couple of those had dropped out already.

Helga informed those performing of the two mandatory rehearsals for the coming weeks. The first one would be for her to order the acts and guestimate the time requirements for the show, and the second would be the dress rehearsal the week of the show.

Now it was time to meet with the crew.

Once the rest of the performers had filed out, Helga looked around the auditorium. She gave them a look that obviously said she was not going to shout and they quickly rearranged themselves into a group close to the front.

"I'm sure Ms. B has already discussed your roles with you, so I'm not going into that. What I need you to know is how I am going to work this show. I am planning on ordering the performances from most painful to least painful. I will be performing last and I'd imagine that most of you will be close to the end. How many people have ever worked the lights?"

Helga glanced at the hands that went up. There were only three. "Sounds?" Again, a small number of hands went up, and one was a repeat.

"I see. I'll probably intersperse you all throughout the show, so don't get your feelings hurt if you're early on. Do we have an MC yet?"

"That would be me." A voice from the back of the auditorium caused Helga's heart to skip a beat. "Sorry we're late, football practice ran over and we needed the cheerleaders' help with something."

Arnold, the love of Helga's life, walked down the aisle hand in hand with his perfect girlfriend, _Lila_.

Helga inwardly swooned, but outwardly scowled and muttered, "don't let it happen again."

Arnold had limited involvement in the theatre department, but he was on the debate team that Ms. Bailey oversaw. Everyone knew she loved his speaking voice, so it was no surprise to the theatre crowd that he was the MC.

"Lila, I don't recall you ever helping in the theatre department, what does Ms. B want from you?"

Lila giggled at the thought of being seen with the theatre group. "Oh, nothing. I'm not actually performing; I'm just here for Arnold."

Helga rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry, but if you aren't going to help us, then you really should wait outside. Ms. Bailey and Mrs. Muncy have agreed that no one outside of the show should know anything about it until we raise the curtain." Helga grinned to herself at one of the requests she had made to the principal, glad that she had gone with it.

"Oh, my. Well then, is there anything I can be ever so helpful with?" Helga gave the girl a look and thought about it.

"Well, you can pull the curtain I suppose. It will make my life slightly easier to not have to deal with that. But you have to perform as well; it's another of Mrs. Muncy's requirements." Lila beamed at Arnold and Helga rolled her eyes.

"Get a room. Ok crew, here are the other assignments."

* * *

Helga looked at her clip board where she had rated all the performances on a scale from one to ten. Even the crew members had performed this time, though Helga herself had not.

Arnold was not going to be required to perform because his job as MC put him in the spot light well enough. With his upbeat announcing it looked like the show would move much faster than it had so far. The dress rehearsal the following week would tell for sure.

Helga was not planning on performing then either. Of course, she had run her idea by Ms. B, so it was approved and all, but she didn't want anyone to know about it until it was actually happening.

"Helga! Over here!" Helga broke out of her thoughts to see her best friend rush over.

"Phoebe, I'm so glad to see you. I have been so absorbed in all this talent show business I feel like I'm ignore you. And I need to confess something."

Phoebe grinned at her best friend. With only a few weeks of their junior year left both girls had quite a bit going on. "Well Helga, I am actually here to invite you over for dinner and a movie night. My parents are out of town and it will give us ample time to catch up."

Helga linked arms with her best friend and they finally left school for the day.

"So, Helga, what are you up to now that you need to confess?" Helga grinned and grimaced at the same time.

"Well, as I'm sure you know, Arnold is the MC for the show." Both Helga and Phoebe paused to think back to when they were little and used a code name for the boys they liked. "And now Lila is in charge of raising and lowering the curtain. By the way, remind me to set them up on opposite sides of the stage." Helga pulled out her planner and made a note of that.

"Anyway, have you ever heard the song 'Girlfriend' by Avril Lavigne?" Phoebe's eyes widened.

"Helga, you wouldn't."

"Oh, yes Phoebe, I would. And there won't be anything Lila can do about it. She'll be backstage and Arnold will be sitting there at his post where everyone can see him. It's about time I gave him some idea of my feelings toward him. Plus, word on the street is Arnold is getting tired of Lila and all her niceness."

"You are an evil, evil woman Helga."

* * *

The day of the talent show finally arrived. Helga was pretty nervous. Not only did she have to be an amazing last performance, but she also needed to make sure that the entire show rolled smoothly.

Finally, the students were herded into the auditorium and the lights were dimmed. Arnold took the stage. He took the stage by storm. Most people had heard him speak before an audience before, but that was nothing compared to what he was doing now. The audience laughed, they oohed, they ahhed, they applauded in all the right places.

With Arnold announcing the performances, he helped them look good, even the ones with less talent.

Of course, he gave his girlfriend an extra sweet introduction, but Lila's performance was only so-so. Helga called in a favor to one of the spot lighters and he used an extra bright, extra focused light on Lila. She fell in the middle of her tap dance routine. Helga grinned.

Finally, the show was winding down. Helga had left Phoebe in charge (even though she really wasn't supposed to be backstage) while she changed clothes. All too soon she heard Arnold begin announcing her. She quickly stepped up behind the curtains, waiting for Lila to open them for her own doom.

And there it was. She was on. The curtain swung open and everyone gasped. She was wearing a very similar outfit to the one Avril Lavigne had worn in the music video, complete with knee high socks and heels. Her long blonde hair was pulled back with highlights of pink interspersed throughout. She took a step forward, bowed, and then the music started.

_Hey hey, you you_

_I don't like your girlfriend  
No way, no way  
I think you need a new one  
Hey hey, you you  
I could be your girlfriend_

Helga sauntered toward Arnold, eyes locked with his. She could tell that everyone was watching her, waiting to see if this was actually directed to Arnold.

_Hey hey, you you  
I know that you like me  
No way, no way  
You know it's not a secret  
Hey hey, you you  
I want to be your girlfriend_

Arnold swallowed visibly. He couldn't take his eyes of this beautiful creature.

_You're so fine  
I want you mine  
You're so delicious  
I think about you all the time  
You're so addictive  
Don't you know  
What I can do  
To make you feel alright_

Helga continued to focus her energy toward Arnold. The crowd was very sure by this point in time that she was indeed dedicating this song to him.

_Don't pretend  
I think you know  
I'm so precious  
And heck yeah  
I'm your real life princess  
I can tell you like me too  
And you know I'm right  
_

Lila seethed from behind the curtains. If it weren't for Mrs. Muncy sitting in the first row and Ms. B standing right behind her, Lila probably would have gone onstage and ripped Helga's hair out. She knew Arnold had been losing interest lately, and she would not allow this stupid slut to ruin her relationship.

_She's like so whatever  
You can do so much better  
I think we should get together now  
And that's what everyone's talking about_

Gerald watched his best friend, waiting for him to blush or look away of something. But there was no reaction. It looked like Arnold wanted to eat the blonde alive.

_Hey hey, you you  
I don't like your girlfriend  
No way no way  
I think you need a new one  
Hey hey, you you  
I could be your girlfriend_

Phoebe had to admit, when Helga did something, she went all out. If her dancing didn't stir Arnold's imagination, nothing would. Helga was definitely making sure that he remembered this act.

_Hey hey, you you_

_I know that you like me_

_No way, no way_

_You know it's not a secret_

_Hey hey, you you_

_I want to be your girlfriend_

Helga was glad that she had shown her performance to Ms. B in its entirety. Otherwise she would be worried about how appropriate it was.

_I can see the way_

_I see the way you look at me_

_And even when you look away_

_I know you think of me_

_I know you talk about me all the time_

_Again and again_

Arnold had some vague thought in the back of his mind that this was wrong for some reason, but for the life of him couldn't figure out why. All he could think about was Helga.

_So come over here_

_And tell me what I wanna hear_

_Better, yet, make your girlfriend disappear_

_I don't wanna hear you say her name_

_Ever again_

Ms. Bailey saw Helga glance over toward the girl she had working the curtains and wink. She could almost feel sorry for the girl, if it weren't for the fact that she had overheard her complaining to her boyfriend about how much she hated Ms. Bailey. But Arnold had stuck up for her and he deserved so much more from his girlfriend. Helga could give him more.

_She's like so whatever_

_And you can do so much better_

_I think we should get together now_

_And that's what everyone's talking about_

Mrs. Muncy wasn't sure this was completely appropriate, but she was sure this girl had censored some of the words. Mrs. Muncy knew because she had a daughter in middle school who loved this song and there was some very blatant cursing. She also knew that if she stopped this performance, when there was nothing she could actually put her finger on, then she would lose some of the respect her students had for her.

_Hey hey, you you_

_I don't like your girlfriend_

_No way, no way_

_I think you need a new one_

_Hey hey, you you_

_I could be your girlfriend_

Rhonda had to give it to Helga, she knew how to get things done. It was common, thought completely unspoken, knowledge around their neighborhood that Arnold and Lila were not exactly a happy couple. They acted like they were in public, but their close friends could feel the tension. Yes, Helga had sprung this ordeal at exactly the right time.

_Hey hey, you you_

_I know that you like me_

_No way, no way_

_You know it's not a secret_

_Hey hey, you you_

_I want to be your girlfriend_

Sid, Stinky, and Harold reentered the auditorium from skipping to find everyone totally focused on the stage. They glanced at each other, wondering who the sexy girl dancing around the stage was. It was obvious that she had the hots for Arnold. Suddenly it dawned on then, all at once. Was that seriously _Helga_?

_In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger_

_'Cause I can, cause I can do it better_

_There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in_

_She's so stupid, what the hell were you thinking?_

Phoebe could tell that Lila was close to the boiling point. Helga had better tread carefully when this ordeal was over. In fact, Helga should probably steer clear of Lila altogether.

_In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger_

_'Cause I can, cause I can do it better_

_There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in_

_She's so stupid, what the hell were you thinking?_

Nadine silently cheered Helga on. She was glad Helga was finally making a move on Arnold. It was obvious to anyone who took the time to look that Helga had been seriously crushing on him for some time now. And even Lila seemed too good to be true, well, perhaps she was.

_Hey hey, you you_

_I don't like your girlfriend_

_No way, no way_

_I think you need a new one_

_Hey hey, you you_

_I could be your girlfriend_

Sheena and Eugene stood speechless backstage. It was clear now why Helga had not participated in the dress rehearsal. There was no way Lila would have let her live to perform this in front of the entire school.

_Hey hey, you you_

_I know that you like me_

_No way, no way_

_You know it's not a secret_

_Hey hey, you you_

_I want to be your girlfriend_

Lila couldn't take it any longer. She lunged onto the stage to strangle Helga, but once again Helga got the better of her. Right before her hands could connect, Helga ducked down and Lila, unable to halt her momentum, fell over Helga and slid into the orchestra pit. She must have hit her head, because she was very dizzy and the last thing she could remember was Arnold grinning like an idiot while Helga kissed him on the cheek.

_Hey hey, you you_

_I don't like your girlfriend_

_No way, no way_

_I think you need a new one _

_Hey hey, you you_

_I could be your girlfriend _

Gerald sighed as he continued to watch his best friend ogle a girl who had tormented him for years. This was going to be an interesting topic to consider this weekend.

_Hey hey, you you_

_I know that you like me _

_No way, no way_

_You know it's not a secret _

_Hey hey, you you_

_I want to be your girlfriend _

This was it, she was almost done. Now that Helga had allowed herself to think again she realized how foolish this was. She needed a quick exit. She started moving back on the stage, ready to dart behind the curtains as soon as she was finished.

_Hey Hey!_

Arnold knew she was going to bolt, he could see it in her eyes. This was why he had begun to inch backwards, praying she would head for the other side of the stage.

His prayers were answered. As soon as the music stopped, she turned to run, and ended up in Arnold's arms.

"Let's all give it up for Helga in a very captivating performance of 'Girlfriend'. Take a bow Helga, you've given quite a bit for this show. Did anyone know that Helga was the stage manager for this show as well?"

Helga must have turned eight shades of red and all she really wanted to do was be sick. Fortunately, the rest of the crew came onstage to take a bow, and she was caught up in the crowd.

Arnold silently swore. He glanced over just in time to see Phoebe gesture toward Helga and the girl slipped from his arms. It was just as well though. Arnold had a lot to think about this weekend.


End file.
